When living scares you more than death itself.
I know. I haven't updated in a while and there is no excuse this time.
Life happened. I was meaning to update July of last year but having been immersed in an all new work environment at that time made it impossible to be alone with my mind.
I do recall I managed to write you about conflicting career paths, and at that time, I was in the middle of my teaching career.
That school year between 2016-2017 had taught me well and taught me good. I loved it, despite all the problems that it brought to my already trouble-laden life. However, I don't know if I loved it because I loved teaching or did I love it because of the kids I worked for? That is beyond me to comprehend right now. But I can honestly say that I genuinely enjoyed my time spent with those kids and I wouldn't ever change it for the world. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss who I am when I was with them.
When all is said and done, I realized that I only need one thing from whatever chosen profession I decide to embark -- it is the ability to be of help to people. I can now see that the word "helping" can be taken in a broad sense and can be delivered in more ways than one. I can be a teacher, a nurse, a writer, a surgeon, an astrophysicist, or whatever I might end up to be and I will always be of help to anyone for as long as I make myself open. At this moment in my life, I am nothing - neither a teacher nor a nurse. I am stripped down to being nothing in the job pool. However, I still am helping people in tiny little ways that I know how, and it just made me see life in a very different way. That I could be nothing to me, but I can still be something to the world, even if it means I am just a tiny speck of living dust in the corner. I still am something living -- and that tiny drop of life is all that is needed in order to help.
That being said, the last few months became my truest definition of hell.
I will just rip the band aid off and go straight to the point -- my mental health was (is) compromised. Basically, I have three monsters in my head right now : Dee(Depression), ED(Eating Disorder), and the Devil (Suicide).
Dee has always been with me since I was a teen, but I never really talked about it out loud because I thought it was just a phase. However, I am in my 20s and it still is there -- in fact, it became so pronounced the last few years that it became arduous to carry on with daily tasks. She does go away most of the day, but at night, she's just sitting there, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And strike did she, this time, she brought along the Devil with her.
I was 10 when the Devil first plagued my mind. I remembered the scissors and all the ways to die my 10 year old mind can conjure. He didn't succeed though, he just planted a little seed in my mind at that point and I never expected that seed to grow into the tree that it is now. I never watered that seed, or at least I consciously didn't. It was 2014 when he decided to begin reaping what he had sown. And for 3 long years, I fought him repeatedly. I tell you though, it gets exasperating and exhausting over time. There is only so much strength a person can have, to be honest.
Not a lot of people can even begin to comprehend the mind of a depressed, anxious, suicidal person with intense body image issues and an eating disorder on the side. Trust me, it is a dark dark place and I don't even wish a dust of a portion of it for my worst enemy. It's dark, and it makes you lose the things and the people you love most. I managed to push anything and every single person away, and it is a sad sad thing, but my mind is wired so differently now that it makes me think of things and reason in ways that is absurd to some, but completely makes sense to me.
The Devil almost succeeded, to be honest. I almost let him win. I had all my affairs in order -- I had letters, I had jotted down the things I want to be done to me when I will be laid down to rest, I had already picked out who is getting who when it comes to my belongings. I had it all mapped out -- the whens, the hows, and the whos. I was 90% about to go through it. I was so tired of having to live anymore, that dying became the better option. I thought (still do) that I am hopeless in all aspects of life -- that I could never be the person who I want to be because I am not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, assertive enough, strong enough, relatable enough, rich enough, charismatic enough. I just thought and still think that I could never be enough. And if I could never be enough to be something or someone, then why live? What is the purpose of living? Add that to a million other dark areas in my mind, and I became so hell-bent on moving on. I was just waiting for that specific date of the month, that specific hour, that specific time of the day when no one is around and I have that specific area to my self. I was just waiting. I had everything I needed. And all that there was left was the specific moment.
But for some reason, I was dragged out of my place and that moment became inaccessible to me, and I tried so hard to get away and be done with it. And because I missed that perfect plan that I had, it failed. And I planned again, but somehow, I can no longer feel the Devil around. Sure, Dee and Ed were still around, but the Devil made himself vanish for some reason. I was about to surrender him but he evaporated all of a sudden. I don't know if I should be thankful for my own mind for somehow subduing the Devil away, but I am still alive because of that.
What I cannot guarantee though is if I am strong enough to fight him the next time he decides to pay a visit again, cause god knows how little triggers are to me right now. One perfect little circumstance can trigger my brain, and voila, welcome the Devil. I don't even know if I will be strong enough to let alone stand against him the next time, cause there is just so much fight a person can take when battling with his own mind.
And hence, I am here. Alive. Breathing. But not living. I am still imprisoned by Dee and ED. I am just existing. Waiting. As for what I'm waiting for? Time could only tell.
Life happened. I was meaning to update July of last year but having been immersed in an all new work environment at that time made it impossible to be alone with my mind.
I do recall I managed to write you about conflicting career paths, and at that time, I was in the middle of my teaching career.
That school year between 2016-2017 had taught me well and taught me good. I loved it, despite all the problems that it brought to my already trouble-laden life. However, I don't know if I loved it because I loved teaching or did I love it because of the kids I worked for? That is beyond me to comprehend right now. But I can honestly say that I genuinely enjoyed my time spent with those kids and I wouldn't ever change it for the world. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss who I am when I was with them.
When all is said and done, I realized that I only need one thing from whatever chosen profession I decide to embark -- it is the ability to be of help to people. I can now see that the word "helping" can be taken in a broad sense and can be delivered in more ways than one. I can be a teacher, a nurse, a writer, a surgeon, an astrophysicist, or whatever I might end up to be and I will always be of help to anyone for as long as I make myself open. At this moment in my life, I am nothing - neither a teacher nor a nurse. I am stripped down to being nothing in the job pool. However, I still am helping people in tiny little ways that I know how, and it just made me see life in a very different way. That I could be nothing to me, but I can still be something to the world, even if it means I am just a tiny speck of living dust in the corner. I still am something living -- and that tiny drop of life is all that is needed in order to help.
That being said, the last few months became my truest definition of hell.
I will just rip the band aid off and go straight to the point -- my mental health was (is) compromised. Basically, I have three monsters in my head right now : Dee(Depression), ED(Eating Disorder), and the Devil (Suicide).
Dee has always been with me since I was a teen, but I never really talked about it out loud because I thought it was just a phase. However, I am in my 20s and it still is there -- in fact, it became so pronounced the last few years that it became arduous to carry on with daily tasks. She does go away most of the day, but at night, she's just sitting there, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And strike did she, this time, she brought along the Devil with her.
I was 10 when the Devil first plagued my mind. I remembered the scissors and all the ways to die my 10 year old mind can conjure. He didn't succeed though, he just planted a little seed in my mind at that point and I never expected that seed to grow into the tree that it is now. I never watered that seed, or at least I consciously didn't. It was 2014 when he decided to begin reaping what he had sown. And for 3 long years, I fought him repeatedly. I tell you though, it gets exasperating and exhausting over time. There is only so much strength a person can have, to be honest.
Not a lot of people can even begin to comprehend the mind of a depressed, anxious, suicidal person with intense body image issues and an eating disorder on the side. Trust me, it is a dark dark place and I don't even wish a dust of a portion of it for my worst enemy. It's dark, and it makes you lose the things and the people you love most. I managed to push anything and every single person away, and it is a sad sad thing, but my mind is wired so differently now that it makes me think of things and reason in ways that is absurd to some, but completely makes sense to me.
The Devil almost succeeded, to be honest. I almost let him win. I had all my affairs in order -- I had letters, I had jotted down the things I want to be done to me when I will be laid down to rest, I had already picked out who is getting who when it comes to my belongings. I had it all mapped out -- the whens, the hows, and the whos. I was 90% about to go through it. I was so tired of having to live anymore, that dying became the better option. I thought (still do) that I am hopeless in all aspects of life -- that I could never be the person who I want to be because I am not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, assertive enough, strong enough, relatable enough, rich enough, charismatic enough. I just thought and still think that I could never be enough. And if I could never be enough to be something or someone, then why live? What is the purpose of living? Add that to a million other dark areas in my mind, and I became so hell-bent on moving on. I was just waiting for that specific date of the month, that specific hour, that specific time of the day when no one is around and I have that specific area to my self. I was just waiting. I had everything I needed. And all that there was left was the specific moment.
But for some reason, I was dragged out of my place and that moment became inaccessible to me, and I tried so hard to get away and be done with it. And because I missed that perfect plan that I had, it failed. And I planned again, but somehow, I can no longer feel the Devil around. Sure, Dee and Ed were still around, but the Devil made himself vanish for some reason. I was about to surrender him but he evaporated all of a sudden. I don't know if I should be thankful for my own mind for somehow subduing the Devil away, but I am still alive because of that.
What I cannot guarantee though is if I am strong enough to fight him the next time he decides to pay a visit again, cause god knows how little triggers are to me right now. One perfect little circumstance can trigger my brain, and voila, welcome the Devil. I don't even know if I will be strong enough to let alone stand against him the next time, cause there is just so much fight a person can take when battling with his own mind.
And hence, I am here. Alive. Breathing. But not living. I am still imprisoned by Dee and ED. I am just existing. Waiting. As for what I'm waiting for? Time could only tell.
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