2022

The last time I wrote in here was in the car-wreck that is 2020. Has a lot changed since then? Not really. Minutely, I guess.

I still am working in the same hospital, same department, with roughly the same people. No new updates on my love life either. On the other hand, the cases of COVID 19 has dwindled down as of late, and things have been slowly getting back to pre-pandemic days.

Health-wise though? That's where things have gone a whole lot sketchier. I really just could not catch a break. In a few week's time, I will know whether or not I actually have cancer. Huh. 

How do I feel about that? I can't say I am 100% shocked, to be honest. I've always had this inkling that I'd die young. I remembered telling one of my bestfriends back in the day (we were around 15/16ish), that yes, I had a feeling I wouldn't make it past 40.. or 30 even. Of course, I never thought about it too much, but somehow, it just makes me think. I have always been right about things that concern my health for some reason. When I was around 13/14, I felt so strongly that I had PCOS. At 18, I got diagnosed. Around 21, I insisted to get a thyroid panel cause I thought I had a thyroid problem. That turned out normal, but fast forward to 24 and I ended up with hyperthyroidism. I know I'd be officially diagnosed with one or two mental health illnesses if I could just get my butt to, and afford to go to a psychiatrist. This one though, I did not see coming.

Do I honestly think this is cancer? 50/50. Or am I just trying to be hopeful that it isn't? I don't really know.

Anyway, yeah. That has been my life right now. I am just waiting to have a definite answer so that I'd know what to do. Cause if I do end up having cancer, I'd make sure that I enjoy the remaining years/months and just do what I want to do with my life. Not that I have not enjoyed doing what I do for a living, cause trust me, I LOVE it! The feeling of joy and fulfillment that I get from helping mothers during one of their lives' most wonderful, vulnerable, challenging, and miraculous moments is worth its weight in gold. I will always love being a labor and delivery nurse.... always. But then again, things are starting to get real toxic outside of my unit, and I feel like it would just contribute to me being more sick than I already am. 

I don't plan on undergoing chemotherapy at all. I don't really see a reason for prolonging my life should I really have cancer. I'd take it and just request pain relief if it gets worse. 

So, that's it for now. I am just taking things one day at a time for now. Trying to not think about things a little too much and just relax as much as I can. Am I scared? Yes. But am I ready to go? Well, not until I get to see Japril spinoff unfold and Taylor Swift releasing all her rerecorded songs + vault songs + new albums. Sometimes, I think I am just living for those two reasons alone, in all honesty. I know it sounds absurd, but it is what is. 

Till next time!