For I am a dreamer...

I know. I know it's been months since I've tapped my little brain out and bleed into these blog pages. And this time, I won't even be bothered to attempt to make an excuse, it's just that life happened. Life, in a sense that my entire 2018 was such a big pain in the ass from beginning to end. It was such a hard year for me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually -- it was just a big disaster and at one point, I honestly thought it wasn't going to get better. But it did. Slowly. Unnoticeable. Subtle. It did. 2019 started out quite ordinarily. I had nothing in my mind when the year began, didn't even plan anything to begin with. I was just set on living life on the day, not bothered by what the future could bring, not imagining where my life would take me next. I was just merely existing because I had to. It began as mundane as it could be, to the point that I actually began asking the universe for a plot twist, a "thrill", a rollercoaster ride....

I was just going to let this slide, but to lose two in a week (and god knows how many more) because of this invisible illness really hits a nerve inside of me. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, bipolar disorders, body dysmorphic disorders, and other mental health illnesses are REAL, just like hypertension, diabetes, cancer, asthma, bronchitis, hepatitis, and renal damage are. Contrary to popular belief, these can’t simply be cured by “keeping busy”, “thinking happy thoughts” or “changing your state of mind”. NO. It takes more than that. Not even the doses of Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, or Celexa can guarantee a complete cure. It’s a complex disease with a non-linear path of recovery. Yes, it will get better. It does. And if you’re lucky, it won’t come back. But for some who are dealt with the shorter end of the stick, it WILL relapse. You think cancer is the only disease that can go into remission only for it to reoccur the next 2,5,10,15,20 years? Think again. Depression d...

I am not the most social person in the world, no. I have met hundreds of thousands of people in my half a century on Earth, crossed paths with a thousand faces, exchanged pleasantries with a hundred, but I have only been close to just a few packs of 10, and bound my heart and soul to a number far close to the number of fingers I have in my two hands. And yes, these girls are 4 of the 10 people I will gladly entrust my everything with. We've been pretty tight for about only half a decade, but it seems like I've known them since the millisecond I emerged from my mother's womb. My college years became the best 600+ days of my life because of them. They bring sunshine to my darkest of days -- they take heartbreaks, disappointments and failures and convert them into belly-aching-that-your-eyes-tear-up laughter and a feather light heart. These girls aren't perfect, of course. We have flaws. One is childishly immature, one is always busy, one is always late, one sudde...

I know. I haven't updated in a while and there is no excuse this time.  Life happened. I was meaning to update July of last year but having been immersed in an all new work environment at that time made it impossible to be alone with my mind. I do recall I managed to write you about conflicting career paths, and at that time, I was in the middle of my teaching career. That school year between 2016-2017 had taught me well and taught me good. I loved it, despite all the problems that it brought to my already trouble-laden life. However, I don't know if I loved it because I loved teaching or did I love it because of the kids I worked for? That is beyond me to comprehend right now. But I can honestly say that I genuinely enjoyed my time spent with those kids and I wouldn't ever change it for the world. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss who I am when I was with them.  When all is said and done, I realized that I only need one thing from whatever chose...

I was diagnosed with PCOS last 2011 (although as early as 13, I already had an inkling feeling of having it). I was morbidly obese back then, weighing 85kg+ at 5ft1. Flashback to two years and I lost about 20-25kg (depending on the day) , lived a healthy lifestyle with 80-90% clean eating diet and workouts everyday. I was so busy with life that I missed tons of doctors' appointments here and there. Until March of 2015 came and I was faced with a searing pain on my right lower abdomen, only to find out that it was a huge cyst (more than 10x10cm) that had to be taken out (together with my right ovary). My left ovary was normal all throughout the years, up until a month ago. My recent ultrasound showed that my left ovary was polycystic. And my utz technician said that I might not be able to get pregnant. And that devastated me to the core. I've always wanted to be mom even when I was a baby myself. I've always loved kids. There are things in life that I...

Here's the thing, I just had a perfect day -- a perfect sugar-laden day, and I can't seem to get myself to sleep. Stupid sugar rush. So, I'd rather channel my energy through the wonders of words, because it seems like it has been ages since I last posted an entry. I just attended my first ever graduation rites as a teacher today (well, yesterday), and it kind of sent me into yet another episode of "Vim career confused 4.0". To nurse? To educate? Back in June, when all was fresh and anew, I was dead set on leaving my nursing life (and license) behind since I had the enormous drive to practice the teaching profession. And I was happy.... for a while. Not long after, I began to miss my nursing career and I did brush it off as  initial separation adjustment. However, the longer I stayed away from the hospital's realms and from wearing my white scrubs, the more I realized how much I love the nursing profession. People almost always say this to me, "S...

Well. What do you know. Another year has passed. 2015 was way better than my 2014, and I'm more than thankful for that! It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, of course. It was beyond challenging! Let's see, what happened within the year? March - finished my qualifying course for education / diagnosed with a 10x10 cyst that apparently had to be taken out April - gone through open pelvic laparotomy and got the cyst (and one of my ovaries taken out) June - was offered a job (so imagine barely 2 months from recovering post-op and I was starting a new job, in a brand new profession. I had no idea how to be a teacher [I lived my bachelor's degree trained to care for the sick, not to teach in a classroom],  much more to an all-boy college population. It was definitely a challenge!) September - took the national licensure exam for teachers (without having the leisure to review for it! December - found out I passed said exam. And to add to the mental and physic...