For I am a dreamer...

I went under the knife last 17th of June. HA. Exactly 10 freaking years since that lifechanging moment happened to me. Funny how life works.  Anyway, yes. I travelled to another island to get things situated and done for. It was all kinds of anxiety-inducing. Going into a big hospital in a completely different place mostly ALONE(thank God they allowed my mom to come with me on the day of the surgery), all the while thinking about what could happen. It was difficult. Surgery went well, but something happened during the near end of the procedure. I got burnt. As to the exact reason why? I honestly do not know. So, on top of my healing surgical site, I am also tending to burns around it. I did not bother to do legal shenanigans and whatnots cause really, I understand. I work in an OR myself. Got the biopsy results yesterday, and thank the heavens. It's benign. Although, understanding the findings indicated, I think I still have a greater risk of developing cancer in the future. Guess ...

The last time I wrote in here was in the car-wreck that is 2020. Has a lot changed since then? Not really. Minutely, I guess. I still am working in the same hospital, same department, with roughly the same people. No new updates on my love life either. On the other hand, the cases of COVID 19 has dwindled down as of late, and things have been slowly getting back to  pre-pandemic days . Health-wise though? That's where things have gone a whole lot sketchier. I really just could not catch a break. In a few week's time, I will know whether or not I actually have cancer. Huh.  How do I feel about that? I can't say I am 100% shocked, to be honest. I've always had this inkling that I'd die young. I remembered telling one of my bestfriends back in the day (we were around 15/16ish), that yes, I had a feeling I wouldn't make it past 40.. or 30 even. Of course, I never thought about it too much, but somehow, it just makes me think.  I have always been right  about things ...

Disaster. That is what 2020 has been thus far. I wish I can tell you that this year has been better  than 2019 was (as I initially aimed it to be), but it isn't, heck it is a hundred times worse than the latter. Let's see? The year started out with volcanoes erupting, earthquakes, wars, tons of deaths, and the baddest bitch of them all -- Corona . Life has been topsy turvy since then, nothing has been the same, things are just chaotic hitherto. The world is in shambles and there is no sight of it getting better (or at least the Philippines) any time soon. So yeah, I still am working in the hospital up till now. Battling the frontlines, going to work despite the everyday fear of getting the virus. Thankfully though, there hasn't been a huge influx of Covid positive patients where I work (knock on wood), but then again, we are still in the beginning phase of it all so who knows? I still work in labor and delivery, and I still love my job, but it just is hard sometimes t...

Wow. That fast huh? I mean, just one? One entry since 2019 started? Guess I have been extremely busy with life and all the shenanigans this job has given me thus far, not that I have any other engagements besides my job. I mean, if anything, my life revolves around my job since March to be honest. And before you go off with the entire lecture of healthy "work/life" balance, save me the grief because I am fully aware of how unhealthy my life has been. I still am trying to figure out a routine (HA. Routine my ass, I have changing shifts every week)  and how to get around things in order to re-accommodate workouts, meal preps, and societal obligations into my life.  Anyway, let's back track a little bit. Last entry, I talked about processing   something. And process I did. I really didn't have to process that much, I was just a little careful about saying things prematurely, since I wanted to be sure of how I feel about it and I wasn't just making use of my copi...

I know. I know it's been months since I've tapped my little brain out and bleed into these blog pages. And this time, I won't even be bothered to attempt to make an excuse, it's just that life happened. Life, in a sense that my entire 2018 was such a big pain in the ass from beginning to end. It was such a hard year for me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually -- it was just a big disaster and at one point, I honestly thought it wasn't going to get better. But it did. Slowly. Unnoticeable. Subtle. It did. 2019 started out quite ordinarily. I had nothing in my mind when the year began, didn't even plan anything to begin with. I was just set on living life on the day, not bothered by what the future could bring, not imagining where my life would take me next. I was just merely existing because I had to. It began as mundane as it could be, to the point that I actually began asking the universe for a plot twist, a "thrill", a rollercoaster ride....

I was just going to let this slide, but to lose two in a week (and god knows how many more) because of this invisible illness really hits a nerve inside of me. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, bipolar disorders, body dysmorphic disorders, and other mental health illnesses are REAL, just like hypertension, diabetes, cancer, asthma, bronchitis, hepatitis, and renal damage are. Contrary to popular belief, these can’t simply be cured by “keeping busy”, “thinking happy thoughts” or “changing your state of mind”. NO. It takes more than that. Not even the doses of Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, or Celexa can guarantee a complete cure. It’s a complex disease with a non-linear path of recovery. Yes, it will get better. It does. And if you’re lucky, it won’t come back. But for some who are dealt with the shorter end of the stick, it WILL relapse. You think cancer is the only disease that can go into remission only for it to reoccur the next 2,5,10,15,20 years? Think again. Depression d...

I am not the most social person in the world, no. I have met hundreds of thousands of people in my half a century on Earth, crossed paths with a thousand faces, exchanged pleasantries with a hundred, but I have only been close to just a few packs of 10, and bound my heart and soul to a number far close to the number of fingers I have in my two hands. And yes, these girls are 4 of the 10 people I will gladly entrust my everything with. We've been pretty tight for about only half a decade, but it seems like I've known them since the millisecond I emerged from my mother's womb. My college years became the best 600+ days of my life because of them. They bring sunshine to my darkest of days -- they take heartbreaks, disappointments and failures and convert them into belly-aching-that-your-eyes-tear-up laughter and a feather light heart. These girls aren't perfect, of course. We have flaws. One is childishly immature, one is always busy, one is always late, one sudde...

I know. I haven't updated in a while and there is no excuse this time.  Life happened. I was meaning to update July of last year but having been immersed in an all new work environment at that time made it impossible to be alone with my mind. I do recall I managed to write you about conflicting career paths, and at that time, I was in the middle of my teaching career. That school year between 2016-2017 had taught me well and taught me good. I loved it, despite all the problems that it brought to my already trouble-laden life. However, I don't know if I loved it because I loved teaching or did I love it because of the kids I worked for? That is beyond me to comprehend right now. But I can honestly say that I genuinely enjoyed my time spent with those kids and I wouldn't ever change it for the world. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss who I am when I was with them.  When all is said and done, I realized that I only need one thing from whatever chose...

I was diagnosed with PCOS last 2011 (although as early as 13, I already had an inkling feeling of having it). I was morbidly obese back then, weighing 85kg+ at 5ft1. Flashback to two years and I lost about 20-25kg (depending on the day) , lived a healthy lifestyle with 80-90% clean eating diet and workouts everyday. I was so busy with life that I missed tons of doctors' appointments here and there. Until March of 2015 came and I was faced with a searing pain on my right lower abdomen, only to find out that it was a huge cyst (more than 10x10cm) that had to be taken out (together with my right ovary). My left ovary was normal all throughout the years, up until a month ago. My recent ultrasound showed that my left ovary was polycystic. And my utz technician said that I might not be able to get pregnant. And that devastated me to the core. I've always wanted to be mom even when I was a baby myself. I've always loved kids. There are things in life that I...

Here's the thing, I just had a perfect day -- a perfect sugar-laden day, and I can't seem to get myself to sleep. Stupid sugar rush. So, I'd rather channel my energy through the wonders of words, because it seems like it has been ages since I last posted an entry. I just attended my first ever graduation rites as a teacher today (well, yesterday), and it kind of sent me into yet another episode of "Vim career confused 4.0". To nurse? To educate? Back in June, when all was fresh and anew, I was dead set on leaving my nursing life (and license) behind since I had the enormous drive to practice the teaching profession. And I was happy.... for a while. Not long after, I began to miss my nursing career and I did brush it off as  initial separation adjustment. However, the longer I stayed away from the hospital's realms and from wearing my white scrubs, the more I realized how much I love the nursing profession. People almost always say this to me, "S...

Well. What do you know. Another year has passed. 2015 was way better than my 2014, and I'm more than thankful for that! It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, of course. It was beyond challenging! Let's see, what happened within the year? March - finished my qualifying course for education / diagnosed with a 10x10 cyst that apparently had to be taken out April - gone through open pelvic laparotomy and got the cyst (and one of my ovaries taken out) June - was offered a job (so imagine barely 2 months from recovering post-op and I was starting a new job, in a brand new profession. I had no idea how to be a teacher [I lived my bachelor's degree trained to care for the sick, not to teach in a classroom],  much more to an all-boy college population. It was definitely a challenge!) September - took the national licensure exam for teachers (without having the leisure to review for it! December - found out I passed said exam. And to add to the mental and physic...

Yes, baby. This girl just passed the licensure exam for teachers! Dang! I've been through a lot this year, and to be given this blessing near the end of 2015 just makes me sooo happy! Licensed Teacher | Licensed Nurse I'm planning to pursue higher education in the near future actually. I just don't know what path will I take. Either I'd get a Masters in either my Nursing degree or in Teaching. Or I'd get myself into Law OR medical school. Too many options, but only one lifetime! :)

I think I may have written a little something about me having PCOS here before. I'm not entirely sure though. But yes, I was diagnosed wilth PCOS last 2012. I had it under control for some time, but then I got so busy with senior year and I forgot and neglected all my doctor's appointments for 2013 and 2014. And finally ,2015. Just two days after I was done schooling for the semester, I found myself writhing in a really really really torturous kind of pain on the right side of my lower abdomen. I really thought I was going to die that morning. I got admitted, only to find out that my then PCOS became a full blown 8cm x 9cm ovarian cyst. Jokes on me. Doctors said I needed to have the cyst removed ASAP, but I still had a few things to do so I postponed my surgery up until the 28th of April.  I underwent an OPEN laparatomy (because laparoscopic surgery isn't available in my place). And lo and behold, the cyst grew to more than 10 cm x 10 cm when it was taken out; it wa...

I don't know if it's a trend with millenials or if I'm really just freaking effed up, but yes, I had (or rather, still having) a "midlife crisis" at 21 (up to now.. I am 22 btw). Back in college, I swear I had a really clear and fool-proof plan on how to go about my professional success. I was fairing really well, if I might say so. But I don't know what happened when I started working in the hospital as a full-pledged, regular nurse. Something inside of me just went into disarray, and I knew I just had to quit. And quit I did. Months later, I found myself back in Uni obtaining units enough for me to have a certification and qualification to become a professional secondary level teacher. Honestly, I wasn't really that enthused in the idea of being an educator, but I just kind of had to do something with my life. So yes, I was back in the university for one semester. And then just before I was able to finish the semester, my Aunt called me a...

A lot has happened in my life the past year -- health concerns, major career shifts, love shits and whatnots, etc. And when things like that happen to my life, I almost always get inspired. It's like having my brain electrically charged 24/7 and there's nothing that comforts me more than transferring my thoughts into paper.  However, because of the inherent nature of my work right now (plus major procrastination), I didn't have time to start a blog. Start a blog? Yes. I WAS planning on creating a new page. For a new life.  But then again, I decided otherwise and just continue with this blog.  Why, you might ask? Well, this blog has been around since I was a teenager (whaat? I'm no longer a teenager? Oh jeezwiz, I'm feeling really old), and the idea of keeping something and somehow "seeing" something that is a part of my personal growth sits very well with me. So, yes. I am keeping this. I'm going to post anything under the su...

I know, I really am an awful blogger. Guess I'm just not cut out for this thing, but I'll try. Trying to get back in the swing of things. Yes, 7 months has passed. And yes, loads of things and changes took place. It's 10 in the evening now, and I'm dead sleepy. I'm in the hospital, watching over my aunt. So, yeah. See you?

Due to the gloomy days we are experiencing lately (add to that the incessant attack of my hormones brought about by my monthly visitor), I decided to curl up and watch a Filipino movie entitled "It takes a man and a woman". This movie has been on my list of "to watch" since forever, not because I really wanted to see it, but because one of my bestfriends said that the movie is really incredible, and that I could relate to the leading lady. And right off the bat, she is. Instead of writing a traditional style of movie review, let me just take quotes from the movie that really struck my inner being, and probably construct a few sentences that explains why it does so. Alrighty? (And I warn you, yes we will kind of have an itty bitty sneak peak into what I've been through -- lovewise. "Love is a choice. Ganun din ang pagpapatawad. " (Love is a choice. And so is forgiveness)  Yep. Love is indeed a choice. You always have a choice. I don't belie...

Recently, we lost one person in our highschool batch; he got hit by a big bike. I don't like the fact that it took a certain death for me to come to realize a lot of things in my life. I don't like it one bit. But as I listened to the eulogies being spoken during his interment, I looked back and evaluated my own existence. You see, that guy was truly a gem. He helped people -- a lot. We weren't close, nor were we friends. I hadn't had the chance of actually getting to know him deeply because we were never put in the same class together. We just know each other by name. But judging from the things that my friends (who are also his friends) were saying, it is no doubt that he is a great person, and he would've been a very wonderful man. He would've been a great doctor, with a genuine helping heart. He would've been a great, responsible father. A loving husband. A caring son. A model of a brother. He would've been a very great person, if he isn...

Oh the joys of writing about love! The last time I updated about my lovelife (or lack thereof) was in 2012, and that was even before all the fiasco started. That was even before the memorable night of June 17, 2012; it was when I went crazily off my comfort zone and told him straight to the face that I liked him. Remember how I wrote about telling him in order to get over him? Oh boy. I was wrong. Because after telling him? I went back to zero. For real. I had to go through hell again, and that time was worse because I was facing the fact that he didn't want me in any way possible. But I can't hate him either, because he was such a darling and a sport right after I told him. He even gave me some wonderful words of wisdom to get on with my life, and strive for success. He told me to not focus so much on love, because I still had a year to fight to graduate college and become a nurse. He said that I shouldn't worry myself too much because it'll come at the right tim...

First off the bat, I must say I am terribly sorry for the inactivity. I don't put the blame on anyone/anything but myself. :) It's been more or less half a year since my last post. Oh well. A lot has happened, and I'm going to tell you highlights (career-wise) of my life in bullet form: July 2013 - Passed the board exam; became a nurse August - September 2013 - Applied for entry level nursing position in two hospitals. Got called by one. October 2013 - Supposedly to start on duty, but cancelled. Earthquake struck my province. Damaged the hospital, it got closed. November 2013 - 2nd hospital called. Went in for orientation for a week. However, I quit because I wasn't really feeling my career. {And the stress of the huge typhoon got the best of me... so..} December 2013 - Figured out how to juggle both my wants and needs; career-wise. Still on-call for the first hospital to open. My health and fitness journey? A roller-coaster one,too! But it's safe to...