For I am a dreamer...

The last time I wrote in here was in the car-wreck that is 2020. Has a lot changed since then? Not really. Minutely, I guess. I still am working in the same hospital, same department, with roughly the same people. No new updates on my love life either. On the other hand, the cases of COVID 19 has dwindled down as of late, and things have been slowly getting back to  pre-pandemic days . Health-wise though? That's where things have gone a whole lot sketchier. I really just could not catch a break. In a few week's time, I will know whether or not I actually have cancer. Huh.  How do I feel about that? I can't say I am 100% shocked, to be honest. I've always had this inkling that I'd die young. I remembered telling one of my bestfriends back in the day (we were around 15/16ish), that yes, I had a feeling I wouldn't make it past 40.. or 30 even. Of course, I never thought about it too much, but somehow, it just makes me think.  I have always been right  about things

Disaster. That is what 2020 has been thus far. I wish I can tell you that this year has been better  than 2019 was (as I initially aimed it to be), but it isn't, heck it is a hundred times worse than the latter. Let's see? The year started out with volcanoes erupting, earthquakes, wars, tons of deaths, and the baddest bitch of them all -- Corona . Life has been topsy turvy since then, nothing has been the same, things are just chaotic hitherto. The world is in shambles and there is no sight of it getting better (or at least the Philippines) any time soon. So yeah, I still am working in the hospital up till now. Battling the frontlines, going to work despite the everyday fear of getting the virus. Thankfully though, there hasn't been a huge influx of Covid positive patients where I work (knock on wood), but then again, we are still in the beginning phase of it all so who knows? I still work in labor and delivery, and I still love my job, but it just is hard sometimes t

Wow. That fast huh? I mean, just one? One entry since 2019 started? Guess I have been extremely busy with life and all the shenanigans this job has given me thus far, not that I have any other engagements besides my job. I mean, if anything, my life revolves around my job since March to be honest. And before you go off with the entire lecture of healthy "work/life" balance, save me the grief because I am fully aware of how unhealthy my life has been. I still am trying to figure out a routine (HA. Routine my ass, I have changing shifts every week)  and how to get around things in order to re-accommodate workouts, meal preps, and societal obligations into my life.  Anyway, let's back track a little bit. Last entry, I talked about processing   something. And process I did. I really didn't have to process that much, I was just a little careful about saying things prematurely, since I wanted to be sure of how I feel about it and I wasn't just making use of my copi

I know. I know it's been months since I've tapped my little brain out and bleed into these blog pages. And this time, I won't even be bothered to attempt to make an excuse, it's just that life happened. Life, in a sense that my entire 2018 was such a big pain in the ass from beginning to end. It was such a hard year for me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually -- it was just a big disaster and at one point, I honestly thought it wasn't going to get better. But it did. Slowly. Unnoticeable. Subtle. It did. 2019 started out quite ordinarily. I had nothing in my mind when the year began, didn't even plan anything to begin with. I was just set on living life on the day, not bothered by what the future could bring, not imagining where my life would take me next. I was just merely existing because I had to. It began as mundane as it could be, to the point that I actually began asking the universe for a plot twist, a "thrill", a rollercoaster ride.

I was just going to let this slide, but to lose two in a week (and god knows how many more) because of this invisible illness really hits a nerve inside of me. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, bipolar disorders, body dysmorphic disorders, and other mental health illnesses are REAL, just like hypertension, diabetes, cancer, asthma, bronchitis, hepatitis, and renal damage are. Contrary to popular belief, these can’t simply be cured by “keeping busy”, “thinking happy thoughts” or “changing your state of mind”. NO. It takes more than that. Not even the doses of Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, or Celexa can guarantee a complete cure. It’s a complex disease with a non-linear path of recovery. Yes, it will get better. It does. And if you’re lucky, it won’t come back. But for some who are dealt with the shorter end of the stick, it WILL relapse. You think cancer is the only disease that can go into remission only for it to reoccur the next 2,5,10,15,20 years? Think again. Depression d

I am not the most social person in the world, no. I have met hundreds of thousands of people in my half a century on Earth, crossed paths with a thousand faces, exchanged pleasantries with a hundred, but I have only been close to just a few packs of 10, and bound my heart and soul to a number far close to the number of fingers I have in my two hands. And yes, these girls are 4 of the 10 people I will gladly entrust my everything with. We've been pretty tight for about only half a decade, but it seems like I've known them since the millisecond I emerged from my mother's womb. My college years became the best 600+ days of my life because of them. They bring sunshine to my darkest of days -- they take heartbreaks, disappointments and failures and convert them into belly-aching-that-your-eyes-tear-up laughter and a feather light heart. These girls aren't perfect, of course. We have flaws. One is childishly immature, one is always busy, one is always late, one sudde